Maybe It’s Never Just About the Cancer (Although It Feels Like It Is) | By Debbie

A few weeks ago, I stumbled across the term ethical fading. Ethical fading occurs when emotions, fears, or other priorities become so overwhelming that we lose sight of important values and considerations that would normally guide our decisions, without considering the personal cost. As I read the description, I found myself thinking about how things unfolded when Adrienne was diagnosed with breast cancer. While many people relate ethical fading to corporate greed, mine was driven by my child’s trauma and I became completely focused on supporting her through treatment with my mind frantically prioritizing one single goal: her survival. My marriage, my other children, my job all disappeared for me, as if my brain entered a high stress tunnel vision.

Nothing else mattered.

Cancer does that. It becomes the center of conversations and thinking about future plans. During Adrienne’s treatment there were always more decisions to make and I admired the courage with which she faced each new challenge. What I didn’t really notice at the time was how quickly everything else seemed to move to the background. Careers, vacations, even long-term dreams were not important.  It is not that I stopped caring about other parts of her life, of mine. It’s more that I stopped being able to see them. Fear overtook my ability to see the importance of anything else other than her staying alive.

Which was pretty important, don’t get me wrong.

Since we heard NED, other things, some very wonderful things, have come back into focus and a big one happened recently. On June 28th, Adrienne welcomed her second child into the world. In the months leading up to my grandson’s arrival, I noticed something unexpected. The fear that had followed me since her breast cancer diagnosis seemed to soften a little. There were ultrasounds, preparations for the baby, family gatherings, and all the anticipation that comes with welcoming a new life. For a while, my thoughts were focused more on the present than on the past. The cancer did not disappear, but it no longer occupied the same space in my mind. It was… glorious.

Watching my daughter with her children this last little while reminds me of all the milestones and memories I hope are still ahead of her, and that awareness brings both immense gratitude and a renewed sense of vulnerability. There is so much more at stake for her now than there was seven years ago, two little things that matter to her the way she matters to me.

The baby is here and the excitement of those first weeks is beginning to settle, and sadly I find the fear slowly returning. Her body is shedding the baby weight easily and instead of being able to be thrilled for her my first thought was “weight loss can be a sign of recurrence.”  It makes me angry that cancer pushed back into my thinking so easily, that I looked at her calendar to see when her next oncologist appointment is instead of her midwife. Cancer still lives here, it always will.  It will continue hovering like a dark cloud in the corner, ready to block out the sun at any moment. We both have days when we are filled with rage, with grief for all that has been taken, what can still be lost. And yet…

I have learned something watching Adrienne face breast cancer and its aftermath and then create this life for herself. Although it can be all-consuming, I’m starting to feel like maybe it is never just about the cancer. It’s also about the people, their joys, what matters most to them. It’s about filling the space between with as much life as you can because you’ve already been clipped by the bus.

 It’s about turning around from looking for appointments on a calendar and seeing your daughter staring at her newborn son in wonder.

Like I stare at her, when she’s not looking, all the time.

Mother…Grandmother…Librarian…Military Spouse…Caregiver…Family Life Educator…take your pick! Debbie Legault was born in British Columbia, Canada to a former RCAF airman father and a Scottish War Bride mother and has lived in other Canadian provinces, Germany and California. She has been married for 36 years to a Canadian Air Force Veteran and credits him with filling her life with adventure. When Debbie Legault’s children look at family photos they often comment on how many different hairstyles she has had and that pretty much is her story, that her life has taken as many turns and led her down as many paths as her hair has changed! Her latest role is as the author of Mom…It’s Cancer, the story of supporting her 27-year-old daughter as they experienced breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. Read more of Debbie’s blogs here.