Fuck the Algorithm — A Wildfire Poem
I’m not defined by the cancer
found in my right breast,
or its reconstructed
appearance,
or when cancer was found
again less than two years
later,
or by the six-year-old
implant that ruptured and remained in my chest for
months.
I’m not defined by the scars
from my surgeries,
or the limited range-of
motion in my arm because its
lymph nodes were removed,
or the darkened skin and
tattoos left by radiation
treatment,
or the hair I lost that grew
back wavy after chemo,
or the unsteady hand that
writes these words (hello,
neuropathy).
I’m not defined by the
darkness that travels through
my mind,
or the moods and manic
episodes that always catch
me off-guard or the grief for
my dreams before hearing:
“it’s breast cancer,”
or the 1,374 Instagram posts
I’ve shared about living my
breast life.
I’m not defined by the figure
I see in the mirror every day,
or the 18 pounds of weight I
gained after active treatment,
or the creaky joints that are
loudest when I’m rebuilding
my strength at the gym,
or the hot flashes that wake
me up in the middle of the
night,
or the daily medication I take
to prevent cancer.
For as long as I’m breathing,
I know I’m never just one
thing – my truth is living in
the complicated duality of
it all.
Each morning is a fresh start
– a bonus day, to explore
the labyrinth of life after
cancer, to redefine the labels
of this experience that don’t
serve me.
Each night, I cross the finish
line and I come home to
myself because I am worthy
of peace.
My body.
My rules.
Lindsey Baguio Gerhard — Writer. Diagnosed at 30 and 32. IDC, Stage II, ER+, PR+. Curious. Creative. Chatty. Lindsey is a storyteller, community organizer and homemaker. At 30 and 32 she was diagnosed with ER+ breast cancer and has been NED for three years. Her complicated health experiences include a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, fertility preservation, a lumpectomy, ACT chemotherapy, 33 doses of radiation, Tamoxifen and a ruptured implant. Lindsey spent more than a decade as a journalist and social media content creator in Southern California. In 2019 she moved to Canada with her husband, David, who was recruited to work at an animation studio. Lindsey enjoys bike rides along the Ottawa River, hand-embroidering all the things, and celebrating milestones with Instagram dance parties. @thedailylindsey • thedailylindsey.
This piece has been republished with permission from WILDFIRE Magazine, the “Body” issue, published originally June 12th, 2021. More information available at wildfirecommunity.org
WILDFIRE Magazine is the only magazine for young women survivors and fighters of breast cancer under 45 years old. Headquartered in Santa Cruz, California, WILDFIRE is a beautiful, story-based bi-monthly magazine published on different themes relevant to young women survivors, from stage 0 to stage IV. Beautiful and ad-free! Visit wildfirecommunity.org for more info.
