Cancer Fabulous Diaries: Facing Reality

reality

Date: April 18

I’m feeling: Frustrated

Today I was supposed to leave to visit my boyfriend. I lost $200 for cancelling my flight, but that’s not what makes me sad. What makes me terribly sad is that I don’t feel that I can leave. I can’t even talk to a medical professional because everyone’s closed on the weekend! The doctor said I have up until the day before the surgery to decide on the procedure— lumpectomy or mastectomy. For someone who has a hard time deciding what to order at a restaurant, I suddenly have to decide what to do with my body, my health, my life—in less than a week.

I guess I never thought I could die at an early age, and now it could be a reality. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Last night, as I spent time with my family and talked with friends, I realized how much this is affecting not just me but everyone else.

Death has never been more than a distant thought. Now it’s different. You always see ill people, you always hear of people dying, you always read of people getting cancer, but you never think it will happen to you. With each day I realize that I’m not invincible. One day I’m here and the next I could be gone. Just like that. I could die. I’m a person just like everyone else. It’s a weird thought. I’m a human like everyone else, and, yes, death is a possibility. My actions affect other people. I can’t just gallivant away because I’d have a lot of worried people thinking about me. That being said, I’m young. I can fight this thing. From now on I have to make smart decisions. I know that every second I delay could be a second off my life.

I’m not sure who dealt me my deck of cards, but it’s a bad set. I am always in control, but now I have no control and I don’t know anything anymore. Delasi spent the day with me yesterday. We talked about life. We talked about dying. My perspective has changed. I see a baby and wonder if I’ll ever have a baby. I see a couple and think how nice it would be to get married one day. Thoughts that were very far from my mind are much more closer. I know it’s not good to think negatively, but right now a tomorrow could realistically not be my reality. And all I can do is wait. – Sylvia Soo


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