Face Down

I want to remember that there was a time
You didn’t try to kill me
There was a time when you didn’t
Wake me with nerve pain and phantom itching
and spasms from tightened scars and cords
When you didn’t scream silently in the night,
Your moans muffled in folds of tight tissue.

I want to remember when you emerged from
the smooth skin
Stretched taut over my skinny ribs,
the hidden, flat brown plains of my chest
Sprouting mounds of perky flesh
a long-awaited spring
innocent and secret, the
Private glee of shopping for your first trainer,
barely filling the symmetric cups, the
Delicious softness of cotton rubbing your tender points

I want to remember when you could
Anticipate, breathless
a gentle stroke, a caress,
the shiver of it
a crisp lick
the slickness of it
the quick igniting of a fire, a desire
that could burn for hours
When you could still feel something
When you weren’t numb, or worse
Indifferent

I want to remember when you peeked
Out proudly, brimming over
the white and brown polka-dotted
Bikini top in Cancun, smugly
Staring down your competitors.

I want to remember those days
when I could lie on you
Face down
Comfortably squishing your
Scarless flesh
The sand collecting in your creases
The warm, buttery sun on your back.

^{This piece has been republished with permission from WILDFIRE Magazine, the “Body” issue, published originally June 29, 2024. More information available at  wildfirecommunity.org} 

^{WILDFIRE Magazine is the only magazine for young women survivors and fighters of breast cancer under 45 years old. Headquartered in Santa Cruz, California, WILDFIRE is a beautiful, story-based bi-monthly magazine published on different themes relevant to young women survivors, from stage 0 to stage IV. Beautiful and ad-free! Visit  wildfirecommunity.org for more info.}