My Life as a New Mom with MBC

Metastatic breast cancer. The three words you never want to hear. And as a new mother, my very first thought was, “I just want to see my son grow up.” I get asked a lot, “But how do you do it?” And my response? “I don’t even know, I just do (with loads of help of course).” You find ways to rest when possible. You find a supportive group of family and friends to help. And you know what? A lot of the time, the TV goes on to give me a break. I am far from the perfect Instagram mom and that is ok.

The mom guilt. Some days, the mom guilt is real. I see so and so on the Internet made sensory bins and went to the park, meanwhile I’m too tired to do anything besides the basics. I feel bad for my son who didn’t ask for a sick mom but I know I will make life as normal as possible for as long as possible. On days when I’m tired from treatment, the TV is most definitely on. I remind myself on days like these, my son is fed. My son has a home. My son has toys to play with. My son is so loved. And on a day when I’m feeling better, we will go to the park and do something fun. It has taken awhile to accept the fact that my motherhood story is not how I imagined it. And that is not a bad thing. Allowing myself some grace allows me to be a better mom. Taking some time to myself allows me to be a better mom.

As a new mom there are so many things to worry about. Is my baby getting enough to eat? Is he getting enough sleep? Is he eating his vegetables? Is he hitting all of the milestones on time? And the list goes on and on. And don’t get me wrong, I worried about all of these things. However, as a terminal cancer patient, my biggest worry is will my son even remember me when I’m gone? I would never wish this worry upon anyone. As a new mom, you should be thinking about your child’s growth. What preschool should they go to? What do you think their interests will be? How do I plan for his future? A stage 3 diagnosis before he was even born, and a stage 4 diagnosis by the time he was one was far from our family plan. The mom guilt comes back in full effect when I know my son won’t have a sibling. Not to say there is anything wrong with an only child, but cancer stripped that choice away from my family.

Motherhood is honestly the most rewarding, loving, unpredictable, crazy thing I have done in my life. There are some days where I am exhausted. My son is grumpy. I just want to nap all day. And then I get that little smile that makes me forget why I’m tired. It makes me fight that much harder. I would not change being a mom for the world. I thank my lucky stars that I was able to become a mother, even if it wasn’t quite according to my plan. Instead of counting my days, I will make my days count. Sebastian, thank you for making me a mom to the sweetest, most energetic little boy. I love you more than you’ll ever know. – Michelle Pagé