Reflecting on “A Gift”

As I think about a gift, I feel a sense of guilt because I’m in a lousy mood, even though I know I should be expressing gratitude. Many people have stepped up, and for the most part, I am well taken care of due to their generous contributions. Yet, I feel angry, and I’m not quite sure why that is. Could it be the medication that’s putting me into menopause? Did something trigger my emotions? My patience seems to be wearing thin lately, and I struggle to manage my feelings. I can only imagine how my family feels, having to tiptoe around me without knowing what mood I’ll be in. Honestly, I often feel I must tiptoe around myself, careful not to trip that wire and cause an emotional explosion.

I’ve put thought into developing my wellness routine, which helps me maintain calmness, but it also leaves me feeling isolated.

Maybe other individuals with metastatic cancer share these feelings. Do they also experience frustration with their emotions? Do their families feel the need to tread carefully around them? Have they too faced the sudden loss of their hard-earned careers? Has cancer returned for them a second time to wreak havoc on what it missed the first time? Do they prefer spending time alone, writing on a computer, rather than risking making their families feel like they’re doing something wrong? Perhaps they feel trapped in a similar way.

Perhaps they are also wrestling with past traumas to understand why cancer chose to invade their lives. And perhaps their painful memories unexpectedly overwhelm them, too. Maybe they have young children who create chaos when they’re already on edge. Or they have mothers who simply want to talk, yearning to understand how they feel today, even though it’s no different from yesterday. Maybe they have also reached their limits.

For someone who has never been fond of gifts, perhaps this surge of generosity only adds to my feelings of overwhelm. I feel stripped of control lately, and we seem to be leaning heavily on the gifts of others. I’ve always struggled to ask for help, and I’m realizing that accepting it poses a challenge as well, even when it’s unsolicited. The truth is, I need help. My family needs it. I’ve always managed to handle things, but not this time. Cancer has me in checkmate, backed into a corner, doing what I can to survive and support my family. This situation takes a toll on me every day.

I don’t want more gifts. I want to be healthy again. I want my career back, my freedom, and my sense of stability. I’m tired of guessing what lies ahead. I want to be carefree, enjoying food and drink without worrying about my cancer. I want people to treat me as they used to—without viewing me as fragile or on the brink of death.

Maybe others feel as confused and angry as I do. How can I feel mostly healthy yet be faced with stage IV cancer? Will my life, emotions, and health ever find stability again, or is this my new reality? At least I have my computer, and this corner I’ve been backed into as an outlet to write. — Lisa Mannina (Instagram, Facebook, Substack)

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Lisa wrote this piece in response to a prompt at our Narrative Writing Workshop with Kristy Weekes Beausoleil. This workshop is one of Rethink’s recurring Virtual Support Group sessions, free of charge to the breast cancer community. To learn more, click here.