So This Is Christmas (And What Have You Done?)

This John Lennon song really sums up quite beautifully the way I feel this year. You see, this time last year I was just going about my life, ignorant to what could happen with the flip of a switch.

Enter Christmas 2017 and I have no idea why I am in so much pain. Christmas ended with an emergency room visit and the first week of 2018 being hospitalized because ‘I had cancer’ and didn’t know it.

‘So this is Christmas

And what have you done?’

Well, I stayed alive this year. My stage four diagnosis pushed me to the mental brink and then I found light and beauty in a pile of rubble. I passed through denial, darkness, pain and anger and found my way to light on my hands and knees. I found strength I didn’t know I had and made it my mission to live. I mean REALLY live.

‘Another year over

And a new one just begun.’

I am not in a position to wish away time. I’m well aware of how precious it is. Any time I took for granted before now just seems wasteful. Time, it’s the most powerful of currencies. It’s what I wish I could secure. None of us can ‘hold it’ though. We can only appreciate the moments we have and enjoy them with those we love for as long as we can. Time passes and it seems Christmas each year is a reminder of a year ending and hope for a better one to come.

‘A very Merry Christmas

And a happy new year.

Let’s hope it’s a good one,

Without any fear.’

Yes, this year was the hardest of my life. It was second to loosing my mom as a girl to colon cancer. I swore I would make her proud. I swore to her that I would live the best I could. I would try to be half the woman she was. I would be kind and forgiving. I would show others that we are all ‘good’ in so many ways. I have full faith and hope that 2019 will be a ‘good one’. No, I don’t believe without fear. It’s here to stay and a part of my new life. BUT, that’s ok. I will walk into 2019 with my head held high, ready for whatever comes my way. I know now…it’s ok to be afraid. It’s ok to feel anything I want. Christmas is the time where I miss ‘her’ more than ever and it’s a time for me to celebrate life and love for the year ahead. – Nadine Parsons

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To read more from Nadine, check out her blog.